How to Talk to Your Teenager About Pornography

By LISA DAMOUR

In Does Porn Hurt Children in the Sunday Review, David Segal pointed to the absence of definitive research linking pornography exposure during adolescence to negative outcomes for teenagers and noted the ethical impossibility of conducting the kinds of studies that might prove, or disprove, such links. In spite of the lack of evidence of harm, every researcher he interviewed felt uneasy about the messages teenagers might take from pornography and suggested that “at a minimum” parents should be talking with their teenagers about sexuality in general and porn in particular.

Agreed. But what does that conversation look like?

For starters, it probably best happens in the car, where nobody has to make eye contact. Depending on how comfortable or miserable your teenager will feel when you bring up the topic of pornography, it might be a good idea to begin the conversation when you’re close to home so your teenager can count on an imminent escape. And before you even bring up the topic, consider taking a look at what’s out there. Today’s readily accessible Internet pornography is more intense, explicit, violent, or downright strange than anything you’re probably imagining. We’re way past your brother’s tattered Playboy; no matter how worldly you are, don’t be surprised to find the current offerings difficult to watch, at best.

Assuming you’ve armed yourself with a sense of today’s pornography, or are taking my word for it, craft a game plan for the conversation. Give your teenager fair warning of what’s on your mind — something like, “We need to talk about Internet pornography; there are a few things I want to be sure you know,” should do. Your personal views and family values will dictate what you say next and how you say it, but here are a few points to consider.

Pornography depicts one shadowy and loveless corner of the vast landscape of human sexuality. Your teenager might profess a sophisticated understanding of the many varieties of sexual activity, but there’s still no harm in saying: “I know that a lot of kids are looking at porn online, but I’m hoping you won’t. Sex can be mutual, loving and fulfilling and it can be dark, offensive and destructive. What you see in pornography is almost always the wrong kind of sex, and I don’t want you getting the impression that that’s what sex is all about.”

Our bodies can be aroused by things our minds don’t find appealing. Next, you may want to take up the unfortunate reality that many portrayals of sex — however distasteful or disturbing — can still be titillating. You might say: “There’s another reason I don’t want you looking at pornography. People often find that they’re turned on by stuff that they don’t feel good about watching. I wouldn’t want for you to be in the position of having your body react to something your head knows is wrong.”

Many people consider pornography to be fundamentally exploitive. If you go this route, try: “In pornography, someone’s always making money off someone else’s degradation. When you watch pornography, you are participating in exploitation. We don’t do that in our family.” Credit for this last point goes to the author Marybeth Hicks from a conversation we had long ago. Our politics couldn’t be more different (I’m about as liberal as she is conservative), but I fully agree with her on this one.

Everything you do online could potentially be seen by everyone you know. If you haven’t yet had a conversation about sexting, you might introduce that related issue here: “Needless to say, we also expect that you would never share or request content you wouldn’t want grandma to see.”

Don’t expect your teenager to ask a lot of questions or thank you for raising the topic. A quick exit from the car or an abrupt change of subject is likely to end the conversation. And don’t trust that your teenager will forever forsake porn. Statistically, boys are more likely than girls to seek pornography, but even if you take steps to block it (which you should consider), most teenagers will eventually be exposed to porn or dating someone who is. If that happens, you will want your teenager to hear something besides the soundtrack of the all-too-accessible and all-too-adult world of pornography: your voice, offering another point of view.

Lisa Damour (Twitter: @LDamour) is a psychologist in private practice in Shaker Heights, Ohio, a clinical instructor at Case Western Reserve University and the director of Laurel School’s Center for Research on Girls. Her book about parenting teenage girls will be published by Ballantine Books, a division of Random House.

Find Amy O’Leary’s guide to filtering your network here, and a Motherlode reader discussion on steering kids away from the “worst porn” here.