I'm Finally Revealing My Name and Face As the Duke Porn Star
My decision to do porn to pay for college was a private one I made, and then I was outed to my university classmates by another Duke student who had seen me on the Internet a few months ago. After promising me he would respect my privacy, he proceeded to reveal who I was to the entire Greek system, which is when all of this controversy first began. I started to be harassed. He started to be applauded.
Isn't that always the way? The porn performer is to be shamed. The porn consumer is to be celebrated.
Soon after, the Duke Chronicle wrote a somewhat patronizing portrait of me, disguising my name and using the preferred nom de plume of "Lauren." When I was contacted by xoJane to write a piece, I continued to use the name "Lauren."
The question I am asked over and over again is this: If I am proud of being an adult performer, then why do I "hide" behind this fake name?
Because the bullies of the world -- starting with that young Duke man who broke his promise to me -- do not dictate my life. Because my decision to do porn does not somehow mean that the world now "owns" or deserves access to every single thing about me and every choice I make.
My birth name is one name. IT IS MINE. It is the name I am enrolled in at Duke. It is what my family and friends call me. My porn name is another name. It is the name I use when I perform. These are two different worlds in which I inhabit. I can't stop you from calling me any name you want to -- including "slut," "whore" or "bitch" -- but I can decide what name I use.
Today, I'm going to officially reveal what my porn name is -- outside of the dregs of the Internet trying to bully me into using my birth name for porn, on message boards where comments like "Her nose is bigger than her tits" or "She deserves to be raped" are the common parlance -- and that is my choice to make.
The Internet does not dictate my life. My sexuality is not some sort of blackmail to be used against me, granting you ownership over my life or my story. It is my life. It is my story.
So I'm refusing to let the bullies win. Instead, in revealing my performer name, I'm also going to let you know exactly the level of hate that exists in America regarding women who refuse to be quiet about their sexuality.
Because while my supporters are many (and have blown me away with their love and their kindness), in recent days since the publication of the xoJane essay coming out as the Duke porn star (but not revealing my name or my face), I find myself increasingly the target of marginalization, hate speech on message boards of the Internet and demeaning threats in every avenue of my life. Most recently, I have been told that I am “an embarrassment to Duke,” I bring nothing but bad publicity to my school, and I need to be silent. Do I want to behave and be a good girl? Then "no more media," I am told.
The message repeated to me seems clear: "You are not a human being. You have no rights or feelings. You are simply a nuisance. You have to stay silent. No matter what, just stay silent."
In my own personal life, I am devastated to reveal that many of those closest to me have unleashed similar cruelty. Many have simply shut me out. Some of my best and oldest friends have told me that I deserve anything negative or horrible that comes my way -- and that terrible things are what I have brought upon myself when I decided to do porn.
To this I would ask: What about the people who consume porn?
The adult industry racks up $13.3 billion in the U.S. alone, and do we honestly wish collective evil, shame and condemnation upon every human being involved in this gigantic (and I would add, legitimate) business? Because that is incredibly disturbing to me. I don't even care if you are condemning me, but look at the thousands of other women who you are condemning as well.
Do you really think you are better than us? Perhaps ask your husband or boyfriend or son or brother (or your wife or girlfriend or daughter or sister) if they have ever watched porn. Do they also deserve bad things and terrifying threats against their safety? No? Then look at the double standard you are employing. Look at the hate you are so comfortable inflicting upon the performers but not on the consumers who drive the industry's success and profitability.
Perhaps most frightening of all, my most private information has been targeted as a result of my outing as a porn star. I have had phone numbers and personal details put online. This disgusting action is being done as if to threaten me that if I dare speak out about anything, there will be a price to pay.
I also want to say: This is my story. Not anyone else's -- and my family deserves to be left alone. If you harass them, you are not only a bully, you are also a coward. Let's keep this one to one. You don't like what I do? Tell it to me. Have some guts.
Of course, it is easy to see what quality of people are behind the "Let's bully the Duke porn star" campaign. On social media, a full vitriolic war has been officially waged.
Fake Twitter accounts in my name have been started -- and the tweets have included:
- You should slit your wrists and die, you stupid bitch
- We are going to throw garbage at her every fucking day!!! let's do it GREEK FRAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- The school should either expel her, or we will take matters into our own hands and make this fuck up suffer. cheers!
- FUCK YOU!!!! IF I SEE U WALKING ON CAMPUS I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FACE!
I called the police to report these threats, and, in the spirit of slut-shaming, I was immediately barraged with a line of insensitive, doubting questions. These brutal suggestions that people should kick me in the face if they saw me were nothing more than "childish threats," I was told. Then I was asked question after question to poke holes in how any of these threats might be legitimate -- and how I was to blame for the terror I have experienced.
No.
“Are you sure?
Yes.
“Are you dating anyone?”
No.
"Are you sure you haven't angered any guys lately?"
...
I may never have a normal life again. But if I've exposed the insanity and the unfair standards that all women and especially my sisters in the sex industry face -- if I’ve challenged the way that people view female sexuality -- then this journey has been worth it. Society tries to tell women that our worth is contingent upon the secrecy of our sexuality, but I will not be silenced.
Because, for anyone who is telling me to "shut up," please dissuade yourself right now of the delusion that you control or own me. It is not your right or your place to tell me to be silent.
I am not your child or your property or your Madonna or your whore.
I stand for every woman who has ever been tormented for being sexual -- for every woman who has been harassed, ostracized and called a slut for exerting her sexual autonomy -- and for every woman who has been the victim of The Double Standard.
You want to see me naked. And then you want to judge me for letting you see me naked.
Society may feel like they are in control of my identity, but I refuse to let the dark corners of the Internet determine my future. Spend a minute Googling, and you will find these awful cesspools of hate and judgment and threats. These anonymous chat boards are determined to tell me what name I need to use (my birth name instead of my porn name), where I belong (I'm not good enough for Duke, apparently) and what I deserve (death, rape, humiliation).
The truth of the matter is this: I am one identity when I am a student. I'm another when I do porn.
And no one controls either -- but me.
Today, I am choosing to reveal my porn identity to the world.
My name is Belle Knox, and I wear my Scarlet Letter with pride.
Meet Belle Knox, the Duke Porn Star (As You Might Have Heard)
On various tube sites, you can watch Belle Knox sit on a penis as wide as an arm, go down on another barely legal teen and receive facial after facial. Meanwhile, if you're an undergraduate at Duke, the North Carolina university ranked seventh in the country according to U.S. News and World Report, you can discuss Marx and de Beauvoir with her in sociology and women's studies classes (her planned double-major).
That a student would resort to sex work to close the funding gap for a $60,000-a-year liberal arts education shouldn't be such a huge surprise. ("College-girl" porn is its own huge niche; it should be a comfort that at least one of those coeds is what she claims to be.) But since a frat boy at Duke outed Knox, 18, to his bros from the school's notoriously sexist Greek scene and the campus drama escalated into full-blown internet scandal, Knox's story has shed light, once more, on a double-standard—the person we jerk off to is not supposed to be the same person we take exams with. (Or do anything else with for that matter.)
Knox has since received more internet hate than anyone should ever have to deal with; wrote an essay on xoJane defending herself and praising porn as "empowering," "wonderful" and "how the world should be"; and claimed that she's not worried about how this will affect her career prospects. "I'd like to be a lawyer," she told the creepy guy behind the camera in her first ever scene for the porn site Facial Abuse, moments before a male actor begins choking her.
Knox, who has been commuting to L.A. from North Carolina on school breaks to shoot a couple dozen videos since starting her career in November, insists that her work is a political act in line with a sex-positive feminist perspective. And with the reveal that Knox is a Republican, it turns out that doing porn is also in line with another ideology: Her libertarianism. Knox has used the publicity to draw attention to feminist libertarianism—marginalized within the pearl-clutching, religious, anti-sex and often anti-woman confines of Tea Party fundamentalism and the Christian right. In other words: If you believe in personal freedom, you shouldn't judge anyone for what they do with their bodies.
And if you believe in personal responsibility, perhaps it's the right thing to do.
Too poor to afford health insurance? Find other places to cut back answers the libertarian. Fast food making you fat? Learn moderation. Not enough money for school? Shoot a porn scene…?
Through that lens, youth and soft tissue are just assets to be leveraged. The justification of selling your body to enrich your mind brings libertarian cynicism to its ultimate peak, with Knox the martyr on the altar of DIY thriftiness, personal responsibility and free speech.
Knox's story is, of course, just beginning—i.e., it'll be interesting to check in with her at the Duke five-year reunion to see what kind of job she landed. While she's been speaking out under a range of pseudonyms, this week she's chosen to reveal her nom de porn—at xoJane and here at Playboy SFW.
We originally spoke to her late last week when she was in L.A. to get away from the increasingly uncomfortable Duke campus.
PLAYBOY: How do you feel about abandoning the pseudonyms you've used in the student paper and xoJane?
KNOX: I'm scared, because I've already been getting stalked and threatened. One of two things will happen: Either people will be like, "Well, she revealed herself. We don't need to terrorize her with, 'We know your identity.'" Or it'll get worse.
PLAYBOY: Would you ever consider revealing your legal identity?
KNOX: I don't think so. People like my agent are trying to encourage me to do it, but I'm scared.
PLAYBOY: When the frat boy at Duke first told everyone you were doing porn, you wrote on xoJane that he had ruined your life. If that was the case, why do you want to make your story even more public now?
KNOX: My stage name is already out there, so I might as well capitalize on that fact. But it also says something powerful: I'm not hiding, and I'm not ashamed. And I think I could be a voice within the industry. I can't do that if I'm anonymous.
PLAYBOY: What kind of "voice within the industry" would you like to be?
KNOX: I want society to recognize that sex work is a legitimate profession, meaning equal protection under the law and freedom from discrimination within hiring practices. I also want society to recognize that there's humanity behind the billion-dollar industry that it consumes every day.
I think the industry needs a feminist advocate as well. There are a lot of anti-porn feminists who try to speak out against exploitation in the industry, but we need somebody who can advocate for women while standing up for our right to sexual autonomy. Because so many women absolutely love the porn industry. At the same time, I want to raise awareness for how badly we treat sex workers and how that needs to change for us to have any type of real change in the industry.
PLAYBOY: Is that something you have personal experience with?
KNOX: No, I've been lucky in that regard. But I know of girls who basically get picked up by suitcase pimps trying to exploit them or who have been asked to work after tears or with yeast infections. The bigger problem, however, is that we don't have a voice to say, "These abuses are occurring, and change needs to happen." This is primarily because there's such a stigma and shame about porn. Most of the girls I know haven't even told their parents or friends about what they're doing.
PLAYBOY: Have you told your parents about what you're doing?
KNOX: Yes.
PLAYBOY: How did they react?
KNOW: I don't want to comment about my family.
PLAYBOY: In your xoJane piece, you wrote that your experience in porn "has been nothing but supportive, exciting, thrilling and empowering."Do you think that there are certain types of porn or companies whose work is more empowering for female performers than others?
KNOX: My main concern is I want to make sure that I'm working with somebody who treats its performers ethically. Yeah, sex-positive pornography is great, but I also love rough sex. I've gotten a lot of criticism because, literally, the first thing I ever did was this rough, blow-job thing—and everybody's gotten super mad at me, calling it "rape porn" and stuff like that. But I enjoyed doing it, because I really like shit like that.
PLAYBOY: Do you feel like there are certain lines that should be drawn about porn being too close to rape in certain circumstances—especially by porn performers?
KNOX: There are all types of sexual play, all types of sexual preferences and all types of sexual desire. I think that as long as everything is consensual and legal between all parties, it's fine. We have free speech in this country so I stand by the right of female performers to engage in rough sex scenes. If it's something you enjoy doing, more power to you.
PLAYBOY: There's been a lot written about how younger men watch so much porn that it completely informs their ideas about sex and influences their relationships—whether its expecting their partners to want a facials or to try a million positions. Do you find that men that you are seeing romantically or hooking up with have expectations about sex that have come from porn? And is that a problem?
KNOX: I don't personally think that it's a problem or that porn creates unrealistic expectations for women. If you're dating a guy who wants you to do everything that porn girls do, he's an asshole and you should probably dump him. What I advocate for is for partners to be communicative and mindful of their partner's boundaries. I totally recommend for couples to watch porn together because it will give them some kinky ideas. But if getting a facial isn't your partner's cup of tea, that's totally fine!
I do think it's hypocritical that, as you said, probably every person my age is watching porn, yet those same people are bullying me and calling me a slut for making porn.
PLAYBOY: A lot of people have reacted to the news that a Duke student was secretly making porn with "How'd she ever expect to keep that a secret?" How do you answer that question?
KNOX: I don't think it should be a scandal in the first place. We have such a fear of sexuality that when people heard about my story, they were upset that I could be intelligent and still be an adult film star. I will admit, however, that it was naïve of me to think that I could be a secret porn star and lead a double life.
PLAYBOY: You wrote that one of the main reasons you did porn was to pay for school and not be saddled with large student loans once you graduated. Would you be doing porn if Duke were free?
KNOX: No. If Duke had given me the proper financial resources, I wouldn't have done porn. They have nobody to blame for the scandal but themselves.
PLAYBOY: Is that what this is really about for you—the skyrocketing cost of higher education in America?
KNOX: Absolutely. My story is a testament to how fucking expensive school is. The fact that the only viable options to pay for college are to take out gigantic student loans, to not go to college at all or to join the sex industry really says something. We need to recognize that there's a gap between what middle-class and upper-middle-class families can pay and what they're asked to pay. We also need to stop looking at loans as a solution to fix our education system, because they're crippling our economy.
PLAYBOY: Are you suggesting that more people should consider doing porn to pay their way through college?
KNOX: [Laughs] No. I'm not going to encourage anybody to do anything. Whether you want to take out loans, be a stripper, do porn or work multiple jobs, it's completely your choice.
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